Intersection 21

When a conversation and excitement meet...

I am ecstatic to have opportunities to meet people from various places. I am interested in having conversations with people who have been exposed to different cultures. I am grateful for features of social networking sites that allow friends from two different countries to go beyond the typical chat room to connect.

Yesterday, I got the chance to have a ten minute call to an Indonesian friend of mine. Thanks to a social networking site we have learned from the Korean group we both massively like.

I did not know how to greet. All I remember is my hear thumping loudly as I heard her say the first hello. It has been more than a year since our first conversation in Facebook, and hearing her voice seemed to be too far from a realistic situation. We have shared a common dream of meeting in the near future, probably attending a concert of Big Bang (the Korean group I mentioned in the earlier paragraph). We are currently administrators of a fan page dedicated to update co-VIPs (name of Big Bang's fandom) about the talented and loved group, which has given more reasons to keep our friendship.

Our short conversation was more than what I could ask for. Though there were a few seconds of interruption, due to unstable internet connection, we managed to speak comfortably. I felt like talking to someone I have known for a good number of years. There was no awkward silences, something I strongly feared before. I felt no hesitation, confiding one of my fears. I also liked the distinct accent of her tone. She said it was probably because she was not well experienced in speaking English, but I disagreed. I am a bit certain I could recognize her voice when we meet in person someday.

My happiness about our conversation spilled through this day. Though I am still in a level of disbelief, about finally having a conversation with an online friend, I am certain she's included in the list of people I would love to have a lifetime of friendship with. I do hope she feels the same.

********
To my friend:

For through these veins,
My life is passing,
My life is starting and coursing.
With an end indefinite,
With an end unclear,
I watch the beat on my wrist.
I am awake.
And ahead of me is a wonderful journey.

*******

I hope you have an exciting conversation with a person from another country too.

Until the next excitement,

Myra

(Credits to 1001callingcards.com for the photo)

Intersection 20

When an occasion meets guilt...

Time check: 12:27 am of December 26, 2014... the day after Christmas. The celebration spent with family and friends. And with festive mood and warm hearts come food -  which primarily motivates this post.

I find myself alternating between feelings of satisfaction, joy and guilt as I try to control my eating sessions during the holidays. I ought to have fun, enjoying myself among the company of people around me, but I can't help but think about how to lose the pounds after all these food fests have passed.

A problem I am certain most people will be frustrated about in the beginning of 2015.

Though a side of me rationalizes why it's okay for me to give in to eating food I can eat, there is still that voice who scolds me and instantly tries to compute the calories I will be transmitting to my digestive system once I set my eyes on a slice of cake or a half-serving of pasta or rice. And even if I try my best to satisfy my craving for certain food, I still feel guilty of even considering the idea of eating something just because I want to.

I guess this makes for an interesting variety in the human mind. We can contradict ourselves in an instant. When we think we can push through with an action, something pulls us back. When we are almost certain about deciding on something, an idea tries to negate what we are choose. Taking these into account, the opposing forces we subconsciously entertain create a level of tension in us. Maybe this strongly affects how confident we are. Maybe this affects how we deal with people. Maybe this affects how we perceive the world.

The natural tendencies to agree or disagree with ourselves somehow lead to a creation of deciding personas - protagonist and antagonist. I just thought of this as I am typing these words. Everyone has these types of deciding personas. And it is up to us which persona will win in any given situation. Will we choose the one who boosts our confidence, supporting the positive effects of the choice? Or will we choose the one who gives us a heads-up, cautious and alert about the negative effects of a choice? Well, I shall be subjected to push-pull battle of my personas as I gear myself up for rounds of eating in the next few days. And I am hoping I will make the right choices.

I hope you understand your deciding personas as well.

Until the next occasion,

Myra

(Credits to harbour-plaza.com for the photo)

Intersection 19

When anxiety and relief meet...

More than twenty-five years spent in a company, my father is officially retired from the world of work. He now has all the time to do the things he has long planned for, maybe even be involved in activities that will just make him happier. We are all happy for this milestone in our family.

But I feel new waves of anxiety. The anxiety about a life's irony - of dad formally leaving the workplace while I am just to start.

I have already made a decision with regard to my career dilemma. The terms about my second employment will be discussed early next year. And having me finally say it makes it somehow, surreal. The time I have spent to ponder on what I want to do and where I am needed not only has given me answers, but also more indefinitely structured questions. Maybe this is how the world (or even life) works. When you have decided to take a break, you'd sooner or later figure out that you have more things to figure out. Just when you thought you needed space to think, you realize that you needed the same space to act. You cannot just let yourself wonder about what ifs. You cannot just let yourself focus on where you must have went wrong. I realized that you also need to give yourself credit. You need to have assurance that your mistakes do not define you. Instead, these errors will be the primary steps for you to create change.

I also feel anxious about the possibilities that will unfold once I sign a contract. The piece of paper will introduce me to a new side of the world of work, probably pushing me out of my comfort zones or expanding my comfort zones. The piece of paper will be the beginning to a journey, unknown and unfamiliar... but can be very fulfilling.

These lines seem to spill from an overflow of my rambled thoughts. An overflow I cannot judge to be as meaningful as how you may see it or as helpful as how I wanted them to be. These lines seem to make less sense the more I try to pattern them from my ideal self. However chaotic or organized these lines may be, I hope they will have more sense and fit in the bigger puzzle I'll be viewing in the future - the mosaic of how I have lived. And with this thought, I feel relieved to begin.

Until the next anxious moment,

Myra

(Credits to alphaheart.com for the photo)

Intersection 18

When preoccupations and disappointment meet...

I have always cherished the friendships I am involved in. And I really feel dismayed that I have disappointed two of my closest friends recently. All because I am not entirely myself. Well, I would not find excuses in my behavior, I have always honored meetings and commitments with my friends (any anyone for that matter), but these two situations have opened my mind to the harsh reality of what I am currently going through.

Grateful as I am right now, I don't really know how to solve the negative feelings I have caused.

I realized that I was too immersed in getting in touch with the plans I am creating for myself that I forgot how other people were affected by my lack of consideration. Insensitive. I rarely describe myself as such, but I feel sincerely apologetic about my actions (or lack thereof). I am currently allowing time to let the self-disappointment and degree of self-blame settle, but I shall soon make an effort to be okay with my friends.

Now that we are all traveling the paths we are creating for ourselves, the idea of having a friendship rattled by a person's change in personality or mindset is scary. These friendships have signified years in my life and I am not willing to have it cracked because of my swimming in the pool of self-reflection. Having friendships (or relationships) catch the residue of self-pity or self-blame is simply unfair. But, the decision to keep relationships never rely on just one party. I hope things will not entirely change because of an incident... because I am not really sure what I'd do if that happens.

I may be over thinking again, giving emphasis on something that may not matter in the scale I am placing it on, but I cannot afford not to feel like I have betrayed them in a way. Goodness. I don't know how to end this note without hints of my panic, but I'll do it in anyway.

I hope you find a way to make amends with someone you cherish.

Until the next preoccupation,

Myra

(Credits to facebook-cover-photos.com for the photo)

Intersection 17

When opportunities meet anxiety...

I was quite sure that I wanted to teach after I have decided to leave Manila. After a month of having neither an obligation to a school or to a job, I felt the need to look for career opportunities. My impulsive search began by scanning the phone book. After gathering my courage to call schools to inquire for possible job openings, I let my fingers dial the numbers of different schools. Two of them gave me positive feedback, inviting me to drop by the school to give my resume.

Ecstatic. My random trial has given me a few things to look forward to. What I didn't expect was the difficulty that followed next.

I applied for the pre-school teacher position. However, one of the two schools offered me the opportunity to be the sole guidance counselor of the school next academic year. I was surprised by the offer, primarily because it seemed more than what I was asking for. I felt overwhelmed by the possible responsibilities I could have on my shoulders. It was a challenge I was interested in.

And the idea of having two options suddenly became too scary.

My applications for both schools progressed at the same time, leaving me little room to really weigh the pros and cons of each opportunity. The choices seemed to be based on a difference of change in perspective and gaining professional experience. There are also many factors that I need to consider, and I don't want to be selfish. But I would also want to do something I think can help me more.

I still don't know how I will get to my decision. I have asked some people's opinions about this dilemma of mine, and so far, votes are coming in for both options. I am not sure what I'm looking for. Validation of my thoughts? Reassurance that my decision will be for the better? The support I need if ever I will come across major crossroads towards my career goals? Or just wanting to know how people view me in the options?

I have read something about a possible solution when one is experiencing doubt. It's about tossing a coin, assigning one option to heads and another to tails. Once the coin is in the air, you're supposed to know what side you'd want the coin to land on. I can do that with my problem as well, but I'm really not ready to solidly hope for only one option to come up above the other.

What do I do? This can be something that can really be solved easily. Or it can be something that can decide major events in the near future. I'll be asking for a sign from Him, that He may lead me to where I am more needed. To the place where I am bound to learn what I need.

I hope you find good opportunities soon.

Until the next anxiety attack,

Myra

(Credits to thebridgemaker.com for the photo)

Intersection 16

When friendship and a wedding meet...

Last Saturday, I have witnessed the first wedding of a friend of mine. I felt ecstatic seeing the beautiful bride feeling nervous as her assistants fix her gown for her. She smiled at us as we waved at her. We wanted to talk to her or even give her a hug before she walks down the aisle, but the busy atmosphere led us inside the church.The place was nicely decorated. People were excited to see how the bride looked like. It was our friend's day after all.

A few minutes after we settled on the pews, the voice of the choir filled the air and everyone stood. Seconds pass and I suddenly feel nervous for our friend. How must she be feeling? I bet for a few moments before stepping into the church, she thought about the entire event as surreal. Everyone had their eyes on the church's entrance, adjusting themselves to have the perfect view of the gorgeous bride.

The wedding hymn echoed and our friend began to walk, slowly and cautiously. She had all the time on her side. We saw her wipe away a few tears. Me and my friends probably felt teary-eyed with her, but we didn't need words to assure us of anything. She smiled again, as if the tears she has just cried were imaginary. I thought I saw her laugh a little at herself - just the way she has always been, I didn't see much of what happened when she reached her husband-to-be, but I guess everything happened according to plan.

As the celebration of our friend's wedding progressed, I felt like our lives are moving in a faster speed. There were a few times I caught myself zoning out, trying my best to confirm the reality of the situation I was involved in. A friend of mine is really getting married. She will soon have a different surname. I ended up smiling, feeling happy for our friend who is having the time of her life.

Being a part of someone's milestone in life may be slightly overwhelming, especially when you feel like you're still trying your best to get out of quicksand. Even if I maybe currently experiencing the opposite pole of the emotional continuum, I feel assured that there are people who will celebrate with me when I reach my life's milestones. We may be going into different directions, having endless opportunities to meet different people, but I would want to believe that there will always be something that will pull us together. I would want to believe that there is something that can bind us for a few more experiences together, no matter when it may be or where we may be.

A unity called friendship can always be the string that keeps us connected.

I hope you will be filled with happiness as you become a part of someone's milestone.

Until the next milestone,

Myra

(Credits to boards.weddingbee.com for the photo)

Intersection 15

When reminiscence and a celebration meet...

Two hours is a long time to wait for a show to start. But the waiting part will probably prove to be the least of one's concern when the show begins. This is what happened when I and my brother watched the lantern parade sponsored by my Alma Mater (also my brother's current university). People gathered in the streets as early as 4 pm (I am assuming this is what happened since we found our spot at around 5:15 pm.) The famous city road was closed since the morning of December 1st, and there were drawings, doodles and random words (or messages) drawn on cement with colored chalk. It was interesting to see children (and even adults) find fun and cooperation in the activity of expressing themselves. There were a few drawings or words that have been erased and drawn over, but the entire road seemed to somehow summarize the festive mood.

A lot of things happened prior to the beginning of the lantern parade (in our spot and nearby area, at least), but I wouldn't enumerate them here. Though I would like to express a little feeling of irritation at the way some people did not seem to understand the excitement of the audience. Some people just pushed themselves through the already positioned audience, seemingly having no interest in the parade. I would not blame them if they didn't want to watch, but having the crowd shift positions to entertain people to pass is something that can create tension and spoil the audience's excitement. Oh well, skipping that part...

Fireworks became a nice introduction to the parade. I guess everyone is anticipating the first day of December. A few minutes after the fireworks, the lantern parade began. People stood and techie devices became secondary eyes. There were no flashes, yet the parade was met by paparazzi-like treatment. The feeling of being involved in such a scene is overwhelmingly exhilarating - in a good way. It was as if everyone was united for a good cause. Everyone wanted to get the best possible photos (most probably to share on SNS). Everyone wanted to have the perfect view - including me.

Having taken photos of the parade made me realize that it has been a year since our batch has participated in the awaited event. One year. How fast time really moves. I suddenly missed the crazy practice schedules, the way everyone buzzed about the steps we were to learn (quickly and perfectly), the way we cooperated and got into misunderstandings, the way every detail created new and stronger bonds, the way we laughed and cried, the way everything seemed too hectic for us to bear. Then I remembered her, the batch mate I became closer to because of the lantern parade. Her smile and the way she reminded me of how to execute our steps. Our exchange of opinions and stories. I feel very sad not having the chance to hear her voice or laugh again, of never having the chance to see her physically again.

As the lanterns of our department pass, I cannot help but feel proud of how our batch has had the privilege of being involved in such a celebration. We may have not won any award (which is something we will always be a little regretful of), but having the lantern parade experience bound us in a way only we understand, in a manner only we can explain and reminisce about later in our lives. And I know this yearly event will always remind us of what was.

I hope you remember something beautiful in a celebration that will happen soon.

Until the next celebration,

Myra

(Credits to thehouseofqueens.com for the photo)

Intersection 14

When I meet my university as a graduate…

After more than 5 months, I entered my university for the first time. The school was celebrating it’s Foundation Day, and I wanted to be involved in a special day which I somehow did not pay much attention to when I was still a student. I was very excited to see the place who took care of me for 4 years, but I was also shielded by a layer of panic and nervousness. I wonder how the place has changed, and if it will give me a feeling of awkwardness.

Getting past the gates and being immersed in the campus atmosphere proved to have an unsettling feeling. But this unsettling feeling leaned towards positive regard. The environment was similar, yet there were hints of change - new faces, new fashion statements, new topics and conversations - all boiled into one ball of nostalgic sense.

Walking on familiar ground made me feel a certain level of safety, a feeling that things will point to an outcome. Memories battled with one another as I watched how the students walked, talked and go on with university life. It was interesting to view the university from an outsider -an alumni’s - perspective. I suddenly remembered how I viewed outsiders back then. I somehow felt jealous about them not being stressed with piles of homework and projects, with examinations and activities.

But thinking about my jealousy in the past made me smile. Life after school is certainly not something to be engaged in with egoistic rush and tower-like confidence. The difficulty of life after school is most of the time incomparable to the moments when we felt like giving up because of requirements. Accomplishing goals after school is an everyday process. We can put deadlines, but the process is harsher. Sacrifices can be greater, and more painful.

After a few hours of roaming the campus, I left the school with some of my curiosities answered and also with more questions. These questions will constantly challenge me to make me into a better person than the student version of myself. These questions will encourage me to have the same determination I had when I was a student. Things can never always be in my favor, but I have a place I can visit to remind me of the problems in the past I thought were already difficult. And I am very grateful I have the chances I have now.

I hope you get to visit your Alma Mater.

Until the next visit,

Myra

(Credits to propofs.com for the photo)